Memento Mori: Lessons from the Stoics on Living

I had a sudden cardiac arrest (an electrical malfunction stopped my heart) in my early 60s. For over 5 minutes, I was dead until strangers revived me with an AED. I regained consciousness in the emergency room, scared and confused. Only 1 in 10 survives a sudden cardiac arrest. Whether it was a miracle, as my wife Jan believes, or just good luck, as I suspect, the experience brings focus to living.

“Memento mori,” Latin for remember you will die, is a famous Stoic saying. After nearly dying, it had personal meaning for me. The Stoics contemplate death to guide the daily practice of living. Seneca, a prominent Roman Stoic, says: “Let us prepare our minds as if we’d come to the very end of life. Let us postpone nothing. Let us balance life’s books each day. … The one who puts the finishing touches on their life each day is never short of time.”

The Stoics have influenced me the most of all philosophies. Stoicism is ancient; started by the Greeks, practiced by the Romans, and is seeing a modern revival. I am attracted to its practical nature and its focus on becoming a better person and thriving. It is a philosophy of engagement with the world. People do not practice it alone on a mountaintop, but in the messy world of humans.

Perhaps the most famous Stoic, Marcus Aurelius, was a Roman emperor. His book, Meditations, is a Stoic classic and still widely read. It is his personal diary, a self-help collection of thoughts and ideas on how to think and to act. It highlights the practical nature of Stoicism, avoiding esoteric philosophical issues.

The following Stoic ideas have the most impact on me. Stoicism is a rich philosophy with many useful concepts and traditions. These high-level ideas stand out.

What is in my Control?

The Stoics divide the world into what we control and what we do not. They recognized that people often have no choice in what has or will happen to them. People do not choose their parents, where they were born, or their genetic inheritance. People cannot change the past. We have no or inconsequential control over many future events. There are powerful physical, political, economic, and social forces affecting our daily lives. Many events are random. The Stoics counsel understanding and accepting this reality.

Accepting what has already happened should be easy, though often it is not. We know logically that the arrow of time has only one direction. But how much time do we spend endlessly rehashing events we wish had turned out differently as though that could change the outcome? How often have we felt bad about something we have done, wished the past were different, or simply blamed past events for our current problems? Yes, understand the past and the lessons it teaches. But accept what has happened.

The usefulness of this Stoic concept rests on knowing what is controllable, and to what degree, and what is not. Sometimes that is easy; we know we can’t control the weather. But in many situations, the degree of our control is not immediately apparent. This is where wisdom is essential. We need to set aside what is beyond our control. For the rest, we need to determine how much control we have and how to achieve it.

I thought I could train my Border Terrier to behave like a Golden Retriever—obedient and eager to please. I thought all dogs were trainable, and I could learn to do it. However, I learned that terriers have a distinct nature and that some terrier behavior was beyond my control. Trying to change those parts was futile. My relationship with my dog got better and more enjoyable when I learned what simply to accept. I found this approach works well with people too.

Accepting what cannot be changed and changing what can provides many benefits. Better priority setting is one. We can avoid wasting time on what does not matter. Instead, we can focus on excelling at changing what we can. Serenity and peace of mind are another benefit. We can avoid the emotional toll of worrying about situations and forces that are beyond us. Inner calm and composure come with accepting the limits of control.

Character Matters

While much is outside of our control, we can control our character. That is one of life’s most important lessons. Character refers to the mental and moral qualities we project by what we think, say, and do. It describes the quality of our relationship with our community and the world. Character is all that is truly ours. Others can take our possessions and physical freedom, but no one can take our character.

A common exercise for personal growth is writing your obituary. This encourages thinking about what is important in life and how others will remember us when we are gone. I hope and aspire to be remembered for my character. If there is to be judgement, it should be on character since it is the best statement of who we are.

Character minimizes the role of fate and fortune in evaluating success. Much that we have in life is only partly ours. Luck, good fortune, and help from others often contribute to our material success and our achievements. Conversely, fate, fortune, and the actions of others may make us poor, thwart our dreams, and bring illness and loss. When considering how to live, it would be foolish to put too much weight on goals we have limited control over. Instead, emphasize character.

Attitude is a large part of character. I recall my father explaining that, whatever happens to us, we can control how we react. This is a Stoic principle. The Stoics point to people imprisoned, tortured, and exiled who have maintained their sanity and peace of mind. They survived, and even thrived, because they took control of their thoughts, attitudes, and responses.

Attitude, our frame of mind in facing life, makes achieving happiness possible. It deserves special attention because of its impact. A quote from Hamlet captures the idea: “..for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” When something bad happens, we can get depressed, angry at the unfairness, and spend our time blaming others. Or we can adopt a positive attitude. We can acknowledge misfortune but quickly focus on making the best of the situation. A positive attitude leads to using reason and action to recover and even benefit. This simple change makes all the difference and, in my experience, produces good outcomes from bad events.

Actions are a necessary follow-on to attitude. Without action, we have only our thoughts. Actions demonstrate character. Adopting a predisposition for action has helped me move from having a positive attitude to doing good

Virtues as part of building character

Stoicism is within the virtue ethics school of moral philosophy. It builds on a rich philosophical tradition, with Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics providing a foundation. The Stoics helped me understand virtue, its importance to character, and led me to make it a bigger part of my life.

The Stoics focused on four foundational virtues. These cardinal virtues originated in Plato’s Republic. Other virtues either comprise these virtues or help people achieve them. This classification is a good way to organize thinking about virtue.

Wisdom

Wisdom is the knowledge and experience needed for making good choices and carrying them out. Wisdom involves logic and an understanding of how the world works. It is knowing what to do and how to do it. Becoming wise must be a lifelong pursuit.   

Justice

Stoic justice focuses on how we treat others and our duty to promote cooperation and mutual thriving. Justice for the Stoics is the crowning virtue because it focuses the other virtues. Fairness (giving each person their due), kindness, law-abiding, and compassion all roll into justice. Justice is necessary because we are social animals and cannot survive alone. We are more like bees than bears. We can succeed only by working together and helping each other. The value is apparent in just and high-trust societies. The Stoics see justice in practical terms that facilitate agreement and understanding.

Courage

Courage is doing what is right even at the risk of harm and loss. Courage is controlling fear and persevering in life’s most difficult and dangerous tasks. Our courage must serve good and be guided by wisdom and justice. Fearlessness in doing something wrong is a vice, not a virtue.

Temperance

Moderation in all things is sage advice. Temperance follows Aristotle’s golden mean of avoiding excesses and deficiencies. Moderate eating is healthy. We starve if we don’t eat and get sick if we overindulge. Emotional temperance has been valuable for me. Learning to control feelings—anger, jealousy, contempt, competitiveness, envy—made me more effective and more at peace. It improved my life long before I studied the Stoics. It is simple to practice with daily opportunities.

Habits and Practice

Aristotle preceded the Stoic philosophers in emphasizing the importance of habits. He saw habit as essential to being virtuous. People attribute this well-known quote to him.

Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.

The Stoic Marcus Aurelius captures the importance of practice in his diary Meditations. Here he reminds himself of the Stoic principles and virtues he aspired to follow. His meditations are frequently repetitive, which is on purpose.

I was prepared for the Stoic wisdom of habits and practice. Good habits were part of my upbringing. I learned it was best to do chores by habit rather than waiting for parental direction. Life continues to teach me the value of good habits. Habits make me more efficient and more likely achieve my goals. Although I sometimes fail to live virtuously, habits make those failures less frequent.

Memento Mori

The Stoics believed we should live each day remembering that death is inevitable. This obsession with death may seem morbid, but I have learned its value. I liked the idea so much that I named our sailboat Memento Mori.

Accepting death diminishes the fear of death and encourages living. I still fear death, but I don’t avoid thinking and talking about it. Recognizing death’s certainty puts each day in perspective and reminds us to make the most of it. I find enjoyment increases as I make each day meaningful and avoid wasting time. I ask myself whether I would be happy with my day if it were my last. That helps keep my priorities straight.

Accepting death includes realizing that in time all will be forgotten. Very few leave identifiable records of who they were and what they did. One hundred years after death, there will be no one alive who knew us. In one thousand years, all traces of our life will be gone. This creates a paradox. Remembering death can help us live, but it can also cause us to question our purpose. What does it matter if time obliterates everything?

I see it in a more positive light. Our lives are useful because they affect events today. We can improve our lives and the lives of others, even if it is impermanent. Equally important is the positive impact far in the future of today’s actions. We benefit today from the good work of many people who have long disappeared from the historical record. Small actions can have an outsized impact. There are many examples where one action, one conversation, changed a life. I believe the good done now in some tiny way produces good long after we are forgotten.

Remembering death helps me avoid taking myself too seriously. Yes, I desperately want to make my life count. But death puts my insignificant life in perspective. That makes it easier to enjoy simple pleasures.

A few simple steps

I have found much practical wisdom in the Stoic philosophy. I consider it my core philosophy. When life gets overwhelming and confusing, the key Stoic sayings bring clarity, perspective, and direction.

My Stoic guidance is simple. Remember death to focus on what is most important today. Separate what is controllable from what is not. Don’t worry about what can’t be changed and act on what can. Develop character by working to be virtuous.