Everyone cares about love. Poets, philosophers, and religious leaders have written much about it. Life without love would be bleak. But love has many meanings and affects happiness in different ways.

Choice is a feature of love relevant to learning how to live. There are choices about whether and how to love, regardless of the type of love. The circumstances surrounding love may be random. Many marriages result from unexpected chance meetings. But we make choices about being receptive to love, committing to love, and expressing love.

Three types of love have been significant for me. There is romantic love, the exhilarating rush of emotion when we fall in love with someone and nothing else matters. There is the committed love that keeps marriages and other vital relationships strong. And there is the ideal of selfless, unconditional love that leads to altruistic behavior and inspires others. There are other variations and perspectives on love. But these three categories have made the most difference for me.

Romantic Love

Romantic love is likely what first comes to mind when we hear love. Romantic love is the all-consuming, sick to your stomach, obsessive, can’t take my eyes off of you, feeling of attraction, connection, and, often, sexual desire that can occur between people. There is no mistaking the feeling of falling in love. It is intense, even debilitating. But it is also temporary. That is fortunate since few could function for a lifetime being in love.

Romantic love is the dominance of emotion over reason. Romantic love feelings are so strong that they overpower the rational capacities of most people. Our ability to make thoughtful judgments is short-circuited. We can make fools of ourselves and do stupid things. Reason may be used to justify what the heart has decided. But emotion is in the driver’s seat

I separate romantic love from infatuation or lust. Lust is primal and often has a short life. It is often not founded on deep knowledge of, or connection with, another person. The Tinder world and hook-up culture are based on this desire, which lacks many features of romantic love. Infatuation is based on superficial knowledge, image, and projection. It too, lacks the power and persistence of falling in love.

I have fallen in love a couple of times. It was a profound, life-altering experience. My most intense love led to a lifelong happy marriage, although after many missteps and poor decisions. Falling in love is fun, exciting, exhilarating, terrifying, and painful. Romantic love produced the best and the worst days of my life. It also seemed irrational. Even at the time, it was apparent that emotion had the upper hand over common sense.

Romantic love is not something we choose or will to happen. We can choose to create situations where it can happen. And if we start falling in love, we can encourage it or run in the other direction. In my case, I wanted romantic love. I sought out opportunities where it could happen. When it happened, I let my feelings guide my actions. I did not run from the feeling. Despite major obstacles to a positive outcome and the possibility of rejection and pain, I wholeheartedly pursued what romantic love seemed to offer.

Was that a good decision? In retrospect, would I recommend it to my younger self? Yes. I was fortunate to experience the euphoria and pain of romantic love. It doesn’t happen to everyone. However, I would provide some advice to my young self that might have made the experience easier to understand and navigate.

I would start by understanding what romantic love is. It is a human survival adaption to further successful procreation. It is inextricably connected with sexual desire. It is a powerful emotion driving people to connect deeply and intensely with another person, have sex, and raise children. That is the only logical explanation I can find for what would be a wholly irrational process otherwise. Much poetry about romantic love makes it seem mystical, even spiritual. In the middle of being in love, it can seem like destiny or part of a master plan. But at its heart, it is an animal instinct essential to survival and produced by the forces of evolution. It helps to keep these facts in mind when experiencing it.

Does falling in love make sense in a modern world where procreation can occur in a lab and species survival is not a day-to-day concern? We can’t yet change human nature. There is little ability to eliminate this primal emotional response. But if there is no reason or benefit to it, perhaps we should try to avoid it if possible. Possibly romantic love does not add to our happiness.

There are many good reasons to fall in love, even when procreation is not a desired outcome. There is no certainty that romantic love will improve lives, but it has much in its favor.

Perhaps the most compelling argument in favor of romantic love is that it can create an initial and strong attachment to another person, allowing other forms of love to develop and take hold. No one would want to feel “in love” with someone forever. The emotional drain cannot be sustained. But the base of romantic love allows us, over time, to transition to a mature, and perhaps more rational, type of love. It may not be as exciting, but it may be much more meaningful and rewarding.

Romantic love is a powerful motivator. People do positive things when they are seeking or experiencing romantic love. We take better care of our health and appearance. We behave better to encourage positive responses from others. We develop our skills and abilities to show we are a more desirable partner. These help our well-being and happiness even if our pursuit of romantic love is unsuccessful.

Being in love helps you learn essential life lessons that lead to a fuller life. One is vulnerability. When in love, you are vulnerable. You give another person the power to make you ecstatic or miserable. Vulnerability improves our ability to empathize with others. We know what losing control of our life is like. Empathy is the emotional foundation for many virtues.

Another benefit is the comfort of feeling we are not alone. In reciprocated romantic love, we feel at least one other person understands us and cares. It is an antidote to narcissism and self-indulgence. Another person has become exceptionally important to us; their welfare is as critical as ours. We become aware of something bigger than ourselves, which can lead to greater connection and engagement with others and the community. We now desire to serve at least one other person, giving more purpose to life.

Finally, romantic love can spur us to do hard things we might not do. It can push for achievement as a way to impress our love interest. It can help overcome fears and do uncomfortable things such as moving to a new city. Romantic literature is full of heroism driven by love, such as in Orpheus and Eurydice and Dante and Beatrice.

There can be a downside to romantic love. Countless people have made a mess of their lives by letting the emotions of falling in love override common sense. People make foolish decisions, take unnecessary risks, and reject important obligations to others. Some behave poorly in attempting to further a romantic relationship. Falling in love has produced many unwanted children, broken families, and failed relationships because common sense and reason were ignored. There is also the cynicism and even despair that can follow romantic love that does not work out. And let’s not forget the problems of jealousy and violence that can have roots in romantic love.

The potential downsides are why it is best to be realistic about falling in love. Reason has a chance of guiding decisions if we keep in mind that romantic love is primarily a biological and emotional phenomenon. Falling in love can serve good purposes and lead to a happy life. But untempered or debased, it can become an addiction or obsession or simply an amusement with no other purpose. The tabloids are full of stories of people unhappy because they could not manage the emotions of falling in love.

Committed Love

Committed love starts with a decision to love someone. It is a decision to put someone else’s happiness above our own willingly. Loving behavior flows from that decision. There may limits or conditions on the commitment. But often those are few and meant to be the outer boundaries of behavior. Committed love may start with and build on the emotions of romantic love. But it is primarily a rational, conscious decision we intend to live by.

My experience with committed love is primarily with one-to-one relationships, especially marriage. That is my focus. However, committed love can extend to other relationships, including friendships, communities, and countries.

Traditional marriage is a typical example of committed love. In marriage, both people commit publicly to love someone regardless of future events. It recognizes a commitment to another person even if the circumstances change (e.g., in sickness and health, for richer or poorer). It is also a permanent, or at least long-term, commitment.

Committed love is the most consequential category of love for me. It has been essential to my happiness and my growth. It is not an easy road to follow but the benefits far exceed the hard work and pain often involved.

Committed love is powerful because one must develop many virtues to be successful at committed love. By promising to love another person, you start down a path to learn and practice the virtues that make the commitment sustainable. It is a virtuous cycle where commitment leads to virtuous actions that lead to a better and longer-lasting commitment.

Empathy and compassion are essential. To express love for another, understanding their point of view is necessary. Compromise, that process where we can resolve differences, works best when the other’s perspective is understood, acknowledged, and respected.

Temperance, control of one’s emotions, is consistently called upon when living with the person you love. Emotions make it challenging to solve problems and compromise. Emotions tend to drive people apart rather than together. Relationships flourish when emotions can be held in check when needed. Expressing positive emotions (e.g., love, joy) is, of course, critical. Negative emotions such as anger and frustration can have a place, but control and moderation is needed to avoid the corrosive effects of these feelings.

Committed love is also distinguished by sustainability and longevity. We commit to love people for long periods, often a lifetime. Loyalty, trust, and fidelity are virtues that make longevity possible. Those in a committed relationship experience the safety and support of a lasting relationship. That is only possible if we trust the other person and have confidence they will honor their word and commitments.

Humility is another virtue essential to committed love. Putting someone else’s happiness above your own requires a high level of humility. Humility means understanding that you are not the only person who matters and that others have worth equal to yours. Humility allows you to see the bigger picture. Sacrifice may seem more rational, and ego control may be easier. A humble person is better prepared to maintain a committed relationship.

Is a committed love relationship worth the effort? For me, absolutely. I can’t imagine life without it. There are all the well-known advantages of having a life partner: companionship, shared responsibilities, physical intimacy, emotional support, and much more. The positive relationship between committed relationships and happiness and thriving is well documented and does not need repetition here. Committed relationships based on love have been a feature of human civilization for centuries; strong evidence of its benefits.

However, its impact on individual growth is equally important, but perhaps less discussed. I have identified some positive behaviors and practices, virtues, I have found important in living my commitment to love another person. These virtues have positive effects far beyond those of the relationship. Simply put, by committing to loving someone, we can become a better person.

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is challenging to understand and practice. Its unconditional nature makes it an exceptional type of love. It is often viewed as the ideal love because it is selfless and involves sacrifice. But, at times, it seems to lead to pain, frustration, and unhappiness. I have spent many hours struggling to understand what it means and to act accordingly. There have been benefits but not without considerable pain and unhappiness.

A parent’s love for their children is the standard example of unconditional love. Responsible and well-intentioned parents bring children into the world committed to loving them unconditionally. Parents are willing to sacrifice their well-being for that of the child regardless of what the child does or is.

Unconditional love for children makes sense. Children cannot agree to conditions even if you set them. It is unlike loving a spouse, where both sides can agree to conditions and expectations for the relationship. It makes no sense to condition the love of a child on something the child can’t control, such as whether they sleep through the night or have an agreeable personality. Children are also helpless at first and entirely dependent on their parents. A child is unlikely to survive without parental commitment to sacrifice for the child’s well-being,

A child is unknown to its parents when they commit to unconditional love. A child’s personality, abilities, health, and disposition are not selected before birth and may be unchangeable. A child could be a saint or a sociopath. There is no guarantee parents will like their children and vice versa. Parents are taking on a duty to love a person they don’t know, making many conditions impractical.

A further challenge is the timeframe. For many, it is forever. Children grow up, make choices, leave home, and live their lives. For most of a child’s life, parents have little control over what children do. Older children may be capable of meeting conditions for parental love but may not choose to do so. Significant conflicts between parents and children on values, behavior, and life choices are common.

It is similar to a child’s unconditional love for their parents. Children, like parents, don’t choose their parents. They may experience the same challenges and conflicts because of different personalities, values, and lifestyles. Yet many children continue to love their parents and sacrifice for their well-being. Often, this occurs later when parents may need help. But sometimes it happens earlier.

Another example of unconditional love goes beyond the family and extends to country, community, tribe, religious group, etc. Altruism is another term for this type of love. Many people sacrifice for their nation or community without conditions. We regularly honor the “last full measure of devotion[i]” soldiers make for their country. The logic for this variation of unconditional love has baffled philosophers and evolutionary biologists. For whatever reason, it is a phenomenon frequently observed and honored.

There are many other examples of unconditional love, but family and group commitments are where unconditional love is most frequently encountered and most often called for. Some may advocate for a broad application of unconditional love. But that seems more like an aspiration than a realistic goal.

The unconditional nature of this type of love is a challenge. For “unconditional” to have any practical meaning requires acting contrary to self-interest. The test of unconditional love is whether we sacrifice for someone behaving contrary to our interests and happiness and where beneficial reciprocity is not likely or expected. Doing something that hurts us (emotionally, financially, psychologically) seems unnatural. A strong will must overcome normal tendencies. It involves overriding our instincts.

Families often test our love. Anyone who has had a drug-addicted child or family member knows this situation. Families face sacrificing (support, treatment, care of dependents) for someone who may be causing them pain, violating their values, and even physically harming them. They sacrifice for someone who may never return or appreciate the love.

Determining how to show unconditional love is also hard. The motivation and the willingness to sacrifice may be genuine. But what to do may not be clear. Considerable wisdom may be necessary to choose the correct path of action.

When acting for ourselves, we have the advantage of knowing ourselves. We also have the advantage of being the ones benefitting, or not, from our decision. If things go wrong, we only have ourselves to blame.

In expressing unconditional love, we act entirely for someone else’s benefit. That raises the bar considerably since someone suffers or benefits from the consequences of our actions. We must know what is best for that person and how to achieve it. Intention and sacrifice aren’t sufficient. Anyone who has tried helping a drug-addicted family member knows the difficulty in choosing how to help. It is hard enough running our own life. It is many times harder running someone else’s.

The final question is whether unconditional love is good for our happiness and thriving. Should we aspire to love unconditionally? I believe the answer is yes, but selectively. There are benefits to learning to love unconditionally. However, there is reason for caution due to considerable downsides.

In the plus column, unconditional love helps develop a greater capacity for empathy and understanding for others. It is easier to find the will for unconditional love when we can see the world from the other’s perspective. That allows us to understand better behavior that may contradict our standards. That understanding is also necessary for figuring out how best to express our love.

Another advantage of unconditional love is that sometimes we benefit even though it not expected or a condition. Demonstrating unconditional love builds a rare bridge to another person through trust, intimacy, and respect. Their behavior, values, etc. may be an anathema to you, but change is possible. Both sides may change enough for a mutual, positive relationship to develop.

There is also an impact on personal growth. Attempting to show unconditional love helps us see beyond ourselves. A broader perspective enriches our lives and opens us up to learning more about the world and other people. That can, in turn, add to our happiness as we gain knowledge and wisdom.

Finally, there is purpose. As covered in other essays, having a purpose in life is vital to happiness. Many find the pursuit of pure self-interest as a purpose feels hollow. Helping others, especially in the pure way unconditional love requires, touches some often buried sense of fulfillment. Perhaps our evolutionary past rewarded some level of sacrifice for others so the collective gene pool could survive. Whatever the underlying mechanism, my experiences with unconditional love produced greater feelings of belonging and purpose.

But there are significant risks to unconditional love. One is practical. It takes a lot of work. It goes far beyond simple acts of kindness. You have to invest time and effort. You are preparing to make a sacrifice. You want that sacrifice to be beneficial for someone else. That is worth thinking through carefully.

Another risk is people taking advantage of your unconditional love. The wisdom of your unconditional love is questioned when others take it for granted. After a while, you wonder whether you are helping someone. Others can recognize your unconditional love and use it unwisely, such as the drug addict asking for money for a hot meal only to spend it on their next fix.

Unconditional love can be taken to an extreme. One needs to be healthy and psychologically strong to sustain unconditional love. Sometimes, people sacrifice so much for others that they stop caring for themselves. That is self-defeating as people get burned out and resentful.

I believe it is best to be selective when making love unconditionally. With children, it is perhaps a moral duty. However, it should be a conscious and cautious choice in other situations. Many factors should be considered so our actions are not wasted. Done carefully, it can change other’s lives and provide purpose to yours. Done carelessly, it can not only not be ineffective but can cause resentment and personal neglect.

[i] Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address.