“Tell me who you walk with, and I’ll tell you who you are.”—Spanish proverb.

A version of this simple but insightful Spanish proverb appears in Cervantes’ “Don Quixote.” It suggests that who we associate with reveals our character. But it also suggests that others affect our character, and we theirs.

But is this true? Why does who we associate with tell others who we are? How does one person’s character influence another’s? How should we consider the character of others when trying to improve our own character?

It took time to understand that character is not a private matter. Initially, I saw becoming a better person as something I worked on alone. But the character of those around us matters. I see now how that influence works and why choosing who to “walk with” is important in shaping our character and the character of those we interact with. Here are a few thoughts on that process and my experience with it.

Mentors

The Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca advised a friend to “Associate with those who will make a better man of you.” He aimed his advice directly at improving character and morals.

Seneca’s advice fits an enduring cultural archetype—learning how to live from someone wiser. The word “mentor” comes from the name of the man in Homer’s Odyssey that Athena, goddess of wisdom, impersonates to provide wise guidance to Odysseus’s son. One can find many examples like this in our literary and cultural heritage, and many personal testimonials for the positive impact of a mentor.

I found it hard to follow Seneca’s advice. There was no one I looked up to for sage guidance in my youth. I admired people for their intelligence, skills, accomplishments, attractiveness, and power. There were people I could learn certain skills from and benefit from their connections. But I do not recall anyone I admired or sought out for their wisdom and character.

Why was that my experience? Could it have been different?

Wise people are uncommon. They tend to be humble, since that is partly how one becomes wise, so they rarely stand out. They can be hard to connect with because they may be busy and intimidating.

My ignorance and arrogance were barriers. I did not recognize the importance and complexity of character when I was young. Life was about getting to where I wanted to go much more than becoming a better person. I saw no need to find a mentor for character development. I perceived that adults caused many problems (war, pollution, overpopulation, nuclear annihilation) so why look to them for advice? Even if good role models existed, my rebellion made it difficult to recognize them.

Later, I found a few mentors. What influenced my character the most was seeing them act in demanding situations. Seeing a smart, successful boss make thoughtful but tough decisions taught me about wisdom. Observing many similar interactions helped me understand character and virtue and how actions manifest them.

I regret not having a mentor when I was young and not understanding the importance of character earlier. I wish I had seen the mentoring opportunities that were around me. A little more guidance from wise adults would have sped up my learning.

Friends and Good Habits

Good character is reinforcing. When we associate with good people, it encourages us to be our best. It is the nature of social interactions. People want to fit in. There is a strong tendency to mimic what others do, especially when one is unsure of what to do.

All parents understand this. We want our children to hang out with a good crowd that is honest, treats people fairly, and at least aspires to be good. And parents know the negative consequences when their child runs with a bad crowd.

It is the same with adults. We exercise our virtues and build character when we surround ourselves with like-minded people. You are more likely to be truthful to someone who is truthful to you. A person in control of their emotions encourages that behavior in us. The frequent exercise of virtue makes virtue a habit rather than an aspiration.

Reflecting on my friends and close associates going back to my childhood, I can see this playing out. Most of my friends shared core values. We had our disagreements and we made mistakes. But we were all heading in the same direction. There were lots of opportunities to practice virtues and to recognize when we fell short. I know that through practice I have become a better friend.

Communities Built on Trust

Life is simply easier when surrounded by virtuous people. Sociologists refer to high-trust societies where culture reinforces virtue and virtue builds culture. These cultures provide firm support for human flourishing.

We know this intuitively. Character has been a core of community life since the beginning of human history. Good character is the basis for cooperation, a central purpose of communities. Virtues such as temperance, courage, justice, and wisdom make people trustworthy and easier to work with. That facilitates actions for common good.

I lived in a neighborhood where there was a high level of trust. It was wonderful. Sharing and helping each other was easy. One neighbor had free access to my garage at any time. Neighbors shared house keys. Our neighborhood book club was a safe place to share opinions, even when they were contrary to the popular view. That experience shows that people of good will interacting with each other reinforce positive behavior. We all got better together.

Character and the Leaders We Follow

It may seem that leaders—business, civic, religious, cultural, etc.—are not really an association choice. I see it differently. We choose, even within a limited field. We vote for political leaders, choose who to work for, and decide what leaders to listen to and support.

Who we choose to follow reflects and shapes our character and values. There is a tendency to choose leaders to follow that share the characteristics we value. So, our choices reflect on us.

But we also tend to emulate our chosen leaders. Leaders in any field can influence behavior. People are always looking for cues on how to act and what to believe. Leaders by their behavior and their words provide powerful guidance for those who follow or align themselves with them. Over time, often slowly in little increments, we incorporate the character and values of our chosen leaders. I have noticed this tendency more than once in my behavior and beliefs. That is why it is important to consider character in deciding which leaders to listen to and admire. We can, for good or ill, become them.

The emergence of leaders in any organization or field involves many factors, character being just one. Other factors often carry the day. Certain analytical and financial skills may be important for a business leader. Political skills are important for political leaders. In the world of flawed humans, being good alone may not be sufficient for leadership success. Finding virtuous leaders to support and follow may be hard. But it is worth making character an important criterion to consider.

I have experienced the positive impact of following leaders with good character. Several times I made work decisions based on the character of the person I would work for. My best jobs were working for people I admired. They helped me grow both professionally and personally.

I have noticed my tendency to align my behavior and beliefs with the leaders I have followed. When I have chosen well, this has been positive. But I have made misjudgments in following leaders and subsequently found my thinking changing in ways I did not like.

Practical Problems

While virtue and character are important criteria for our associations, it is a mistake to pursue a narrow world of like-minded people. That can lead to a self-righteous attitude. That approach also misses the benefits of exposure to the breadth of human experience.

Humans are complicated and imperfect. There is much gray area to navigate in our relationships. It is primarily through experience that we understand human flaws and how to deal with them. We learn who and how to trust. We learn who, despite failures, is trying to grow and might be a companion on our journey.

Part of growing is confronting weaknesses in ourselves and others and working through them. That is an interactive process, not a solitary one. We can learn much through associations with people who have problems. There is plenty of bad behavior in the world without seeking it out. But it helps to approach our interaction choices with an open mind since growth can come in unexpected ways.

I have not always made good relationship choices and I have ignored character. Friends have lied to me. People have taken advantage of me. I have misjudged character, seeing what I wanted and ignoring contradictory signs. I have had relationships with fun, charismatic people more focused on vices than virtues. These experiences have been painful.

But in retrospect, I do not regret them. I learned obvious lessons on who and what to avoid. But I also experienced change where people who behaved terribly grew into people who became friends I respect. I am glad for the richness of my personal relationships and know that I am better for it.

Conclusion

I learned I could not think my way to being a better person. Developing character requires human interaction. Through relationships, I found examples to follow, learned what not to do, and practiced the virtues necessary for a good life.

I also learned to accept that all people are imperfect and to be more open in my associations. I have learned much from people who struggle and make mistakes. And people who have confronted their errors and become better people have inspired me.

The practical challenge is choosing the right balance: finding people who can make me a better person while also being open to the breadth of human experience. I now seek people to walk with who reflect my character and who give me opportunities to learn and practice essential virtues.

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